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BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, 1978.
Mom tells my sister Elena and me that she's entered us in a contest. She says the winner joins The Love Boat cast as the son or daughter of Captain Stubing. We don't have a TV, but every chance we get Elena and I watch The Love Boat and Fantasy Island on Saturday nights. I'm nine years old and Elena's five. We have no idea these shows represent some of the cheesiest moments in television history. We talk friends, neighbors, and baby sitters into this two-hour commitment. We're persuasive, or, maybe, just pathetic.
The information I've amassed is sketchy-bits and pieces of data plucked from cyberspace, public and university libraries, memory. Here's what I think: the actress Jill Whelan is a thief. Here's what I know for certain: she entered this world on 29 September 1966 by way of Oakland, California; her appearance in an M&M commercial caught the eyes of Love Boat producers and got her cast on the show at age eleven; she appeared in 188 episodes, not counting the reunion shows; she won two Young Artist Awards-one for the TV movie Babies Making Babies and one for the Boat-and they nominated her for five more (Boat performances and a nod for Airplane); she made numerous guest appearances on other television shows; she sang for the Reagans at the White House; as an adult she designs jewelry, and her newest line, "The Bon Voyage Collection: Resort Wear Jewelry for the Seasoned Traveler," debuted recently, retailing through America's Collectibles Network, Inc. (a letter of endorsement from Whelan graces the website; if you plug "acntv" into an internet search engine, there are posts of complaints about ACN'S advertising scruples and the quality of their goods; there are posts from satisfied customers as well); she's a motivational lecturerAeynote speaker, represented by the Premiere Speakers Bureau, and her reported fee is $10,000 per engagement.
Mom and Dad divorce in 74, and, for the first four years, they send Elena and me bouncing between them like ping-pong balls: San Francisco; Stockton; Sacramento; Mendocino; EIk; Albion; the Mojave Desert; Claremont; Pomona; Berkeley. They move all over California, trying to figure out what to do with new, solitary lives. Mom drops out of a masters program in...