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Therapies for grief and loss have traditionally focused on the work of grieving. The goal was to reach an endpoint, now popularly called closure. There are, however, many people who, through no fault of their own, find a loss so unclear that there can be no end to grief. They have not failed in the work of grieving, but rather have suffered ambiguous loss, a type of loss that is inherently open ended. Instead of closure, the therapeutic goal is to help people find meaning despite the lack of definitive information and finality. Hope lies in increasing a family's tolerance for ambiguity, but first, professionals must increase their own comfort with unanswered questions. In this article, the authors, one a poet, the other a family therapist and theorist, offer a unique blending of theory, reflection, and poetry to experientially deepen the process of self-reflection about a kind of loss that defies closure.
Keywords: Ambiguous Loss; No Closure; Unresolved Loss; Unresolved Grief; Meaning Making; Sadness Versus Depression; Self-Reflection; Complex Grief
Fam Proc 51:456-469, 2012
In the world of grief and mourning, there is a type of loss that defies closure even with healthy families. It is called ambiguous loss, a term coined in the 1970s to illustrate a unique kind of loss when a loved one disappears in body or mind.1 A family member vanishes physically with no verification of whereabouts or fate as dead or alive or fades away psychologically from dementia and other cognitive or emotional impairments. In either case, grief is inherently complicated, not by psychic weakness but from the profound complications of loss shrouded in doubt. Meaning is ruptured, relationships go awry, and family conflict increases. When a loved one is here but not here, or gone but not for sure, the family as a whole, and the individuals in it, struggle as their story continues without an ending.
To illustrate that closure is a myth, we begin with the extreme example of ambiguous loss, but ultimately make the point that there is ambiguity in a validated death as well. Yet in a culture that craves certainty, the idea that closure is impossible is still resisted, despite professional updates in knowledge. To deepen the understanding of why some losses will, through...