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WHEN my daughter, Lisa, was a young preschool child, I (Allen Mendler) had my first "stranger danger" and "private parts touch" conversation with her. I had difficulty trying to convey my concern and felt distressed while making the effort to explain things to this person whom I love more than life itself.
On the one hand, I wanted to preserve her wonderful, fun-loving naivete. On the other hand, I needed to introduce her to life's more subtle dangers, without overwhelming her.
Afterward, as I reflected upon the discussion, I thought how sad but necessary it was to engage this topic. The major thrust of my message for Lisa was not to blindly trust or obey adults, including those who appear to be nice. I may as well have included educators among those who may appear trustworthy but who require caution nonetheless.
The real dangers in our society that necessitate such discussions send a message to children that they should not simply obey those in positions of authority. With messages like this, is it any wonder that even "good" students look for sensible reasons before they do as they are told?
In most schools and classrooms, so much of what we call "discipline" gives children the message that they will be punished for not doing what they are told. Those who follow the school rules are viewed as responsible and gain access to classroom rewards and privileges, while those who do not are seen as defiant. Noncompliant students face time-out, detention, loss of privileges, a phone call home, or a zero on assigned schoolwork.
While these methods may have a place within an overall discipline plan, they are rarely effective in changing behavior. In fact, many children are unaffected by time-outs or staying after school. Some even perceive these interventions as rewards, a safe haven from street dangers or a quiet space to complete work, socialize, or get attention.
In our work with teachers, we find that, although most agree in principle to move away from obediencemodel techniques, they fear that there are no good replacements for them. The interventions that we recommend are more difficult and time-consuming than obedience-based programs. However, in the long run, both the teacher's and students' lives are easier when students...