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Four-year-old Ricardo tells Sam, "I want to ride the tricycle." Sam replies, "I'm riding it now." Ricardo looks to see whether the teacher is watching, sees that she's not, and says, "I won't be your friend anymore." Sam gives Ricardo the tricycle.
Five-year-old Julia is playing with snap shapes. "Help me make a bracelet," she says to Tanya. Tanya puts the snap shapes around Julia's wrists and says, "It's not a bracelet, it's handcuffs and you're in jail." "I don't want to be in jail." "You're in jail and you have to stay in that chair."
Another kindergartner, Portia, turns to talk to Julia, but Tanya interrupts: "You can't talk to Julia. She's in jail, and when you're in jail you can't see your friends. Your family either. Don't look at her." Portia glances back, but Tanya says again, "You can't look at her or talk to her! She's in jail!"
Popular culture is filled with images of adolescent "mean girls" who control everyone around them through hurtful words, exclusion, and social pressure. Although more widely recognized in late elementary and middle school, attempts to dominate through relational aggression-sometimes called social bullying- begin much earlier. These experiences are now observed in kindergarten, with some young children excluding one another based on clothes, academic ability, and physical skills (Paul 2010). Many teachers of 4-year-olds have heard children say something like "You can't come to my birthday party" or "I won't be your friend if you don't give me that." Increasingly, researchers are recognizing that such statements represent the roots of relational aggression-"behaviors that are intended to significantly damage another child's friendships or feelings of inclusion by the peer group" (Crick & Grotpeter 1995,711)-and that these behaviors begin in preschool. A large body of research points out the harm caused by social bullying in childhood and adolescence, suggesting a pressing need to prevent relational aggression or stop it as soon as it starts.
Helping children understand their social world and develop ways to meet their emotional and social needs is a critical part of early education. Children who successfully pursue these goals are rewarded with friends and socially enriching experiences; children who don't may resort to aggression. Relational aggression includes ignoring peers, telling peers they can't play...